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　　标题：PsychologistsexplainwhyIkealiterallybecomesamapofarelationshipnightmare
　　source：businessinsider丨byCorinnePurtill
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　　IfyouhaveassembledapieceofIkeafurniturewithapartner，thenyouhaveprobablyarguedwithapartneraboutassemblingapieceofIkeafurniture。
　　DomesticbattlesovertheSwedishretailersproductsaresuchacommonfeatureofmoderncohabitationthatcomedianAmyPoehleroncejokedthatIkeawasSwedishforargument。
　　Butwhyisassemblingflatpackedfurnituresocontentiousforcouples？Whydoconversationsaboutsofassooftenleaddownsuchdarkcorridors？
　　Ispokewithanumberofresearchpsychologists，behavioralexperts，andfamilytherapistswhoexplainedwhyeachstepoftheIkeaprocessisrifewithemotionaltriggersandhow，onceidentified，thosetriggerscanbeavoided。
　　Littlethingslikeputtingasetofshelvestogetherwillbringupsomeancienthistorywiththepartners，DonFerguson，authorofReptilesinLove：EndingDestructiveFightsandEvolvingTowardMoreLovingRelationships，toldme。Doyoutrustme？DoyouthinkImstupid？DoyouthinkIhavenoskills？Doyouwishyouroldboyfriendwasheredoingthis？
　　ManycouplesstarttheassemblyprocesswiththedisadvantageofhavingrecentlybeenatanIkeastore，itselfanemotionallydestabilizingexperience。
　　Theclean，stylish，spacious，idealizedhomeintheshowroomliterallybecomesamapofarelationshipnightmare，clinicalpsychologistRamaniDurvasulatoldTheWallStreetJournal。
　　CouplesinhertherapysessionsmentionedIkearelatedargumentssofrequentlythatDurvasulabeganmakingresearchtripstothestore。Shefoundthatthemedareastriggeredrelatedarguments：bedding（sex），kitchengoods（chores），childrensgear（dontevenstart）。
　　Theshowroomisalsowheretroublingquestionsoftastearise。Inanenvironmentwherechoosingacoffeeismarketedasanexpressionofidentity，itseasytoprojectdeepermeaningontoapartnersopinion。IfIliketheLackandyouliketheKlingsbo，dowewantthesamekindofhome？Dowewantthesamekindoflife？Whoareyou，really？
　　Couplestendtoextrapolatefromthesmallconflictsthatarisewhileshoppingforandbuildingfurniturethatperhapstheyarentsomadeforoneanotherafterall，MaisieChouChaffin，aLondonbasedclinicalpsychologistwhoworkswithcouples，toldme。
　　Oneofthemostpivotalmomentsintheassemblyprocesshappensbeforeanyonepicksupascrewdriver。
　　Evencoupleswhoaimforegalitariandivisionoflaboracrossthewholeoftheirrelationshipfindthatwhenitcomestoindividualtasks，onepersonusuallystepsforwardasthelead：Sheoverseespayingthebills，forexample，whilehesheadchefinthekitchen。
　　JoeiPhone6IkeaRegissor2
　　WillWei，BusinessInsider
　　JoeWeisenthaluseshisiPhone6tofixanIkeabookcase。
　　Presentedwithanewtasklike，say，assemblingaHemnesdressercouplesmayhavecompetingideasofwhosbestsuitedtotakethelead。
　　Apowerstruggleensues，andpowerstrugglesarebreedinggroundsforconflict。Thisisalsowhydrivingdirectionsaresuchpotentargumentstarters。
　　Unlessoneofyouistheacceptedleaderforbuildingsomething，yourethrownintothisdynamicofwhoisincharge？saidScottStanley，apsychologyprofessorattheUniversityofDenverandauthorofthebookFightingforYourMarriage。
　　Evenwhenyouvesortoffiguredoutthatonesmoretakingthelead，thenyouvegotthemomentswhentheassistantseeswhattheleaderisdoingwrong，Stanleysaid。Despitethefactthatwealloftenfunctionbetterwithconstructivefeedback，nobodylikesit。
　　HenryJoePamIkeaRegissor1WillWei，BusinessInsider
　　HenryBlodget，JoeWeisenthal，andPamEngelgetreadytomakeIkeabookcases。
　　Designedforuseinanycultureorlanguage，Ikeasdeceptivelysimpleassemblymanualsgiveusersthe（oftenincorrect）impressionthattheprojectcanbeaccomplishedwithoutmuchtimeoreffort。
　　Ifthatmute，genderlesscartoonfigurecanbuildarollingkitchenisland，itstandstoreason，surelywecan，too。Whenthoseexpectationsaredashed，egostakeahit。
　　Aswithanyanxiety，adegreeofselfabusekicksin，saidFerguson，authorofReptilesinLove，nowaUSDepartmentofVeteransAffairspsychologistinAuburn，California。Andveryquickly，ifyoucanttakeapause，youregoingtoturnonyourspouseoryourpartner。
　　Feelingfrustratedbyataskcanimmediatelyaffectyourfeelingsforapartner。Ina2014study，researchersatMonmouthUniversityandUrsinusCollegesplit120subjectsintotwogroups。Onewasgiventhesimple，stressfreetaskofwritingdownnumberschronologically；theotheracomplicatedsetofmathproblems。
　　Uponcompletingthetask，bothgroupswereaskedtowritedowncomplimentstheymightgivetheirpartneruponreturninghome。Thestressedoutgroupcameupwith15fewernicethingstosayabouttheirlovedones。
　　Theacuteexperienceofstressunderminesrelationshipbehaviors，andfurnitureassemblyinducedstressisanotherwaytounderminepositiverelationshipbehaviors，studyauthorGaryLewandowski，ofMonmouthUniversity，said。
　　YouTubeIkea
　　Ifyouwanttoknowifyouandapartnerarecompatible，DanArielytoldme，takeacanoeridetogether。Anexperiencepackedwithfactorsoutofyourcontrolweather，currents，sharksofferstellinginsightsabouthowpeoplereacttopressure。
　　Thequestionis，dopeoplehaveatendencytoblametheotherpersonortounderstandthatthingsjusthappen？saidAriely，professorofpsychologyandbehavioraleconomicsatDukeUniversity。
　　HewasalsopartoftheHarvardBusinessSchoolteamthatin2011identifiedtheIkeaeffect，theobservationthatpeopleloveathingmoreiftheyparticipateinsomesmallwayinitscreation。
　　Headded：IthinkthesamethingwouldhappenwithIkeafurniture。Duringtheprocess，thingshappeninanunexpectedway。Therearepiecesmissing。Peopleputthingstogetherinthewrongway。Thequestionis，howmuchdowetendtoblametheotherperson？
　　Theresalsotheproblemoffundamentalattributionerror，Arielysaid。Wetendtoattributeourownmistakestoexternalfactors（Iputthistogetherwrongbecausetheinstructionswerebad）andothersmistakestointernalones（Youputthistogetherwrongbecauseyouneverpayattention。）
　　Onagoodday，maybeyoureprettygoodatavoidingblameandtakinganenlightenedview。Butwevealreadyestablishedthatthisisnotagoodday。ThisisanIkeaday。Theshowroommadeyoufeelinadequate，youresubconsciouslybattlingyourpartnerforpower，andyoureembarrassedthatitstakenthebetterpartofaSaturdayfortwoeducatedadultstobuildachestofdrawers。
　　AnIkeainspiredfightstopsbeingabouttheStuvaprettyquickly。
　　Arguingwithapartnercantriggerthefightorflightresponse，thephysiologicalstateofhyperarousalthatevolvedtohelpprimatescopewithacutestress。Inessentialfunctionslikematurity，patience，andreasontemporarilyswitchoff。Youareprimedforbattle。
　　Thehigherbrainshutsdown。Theprimitivebraintakesover。Andtheresnoorganizationorreasonthere，Fergusonsaid。
　　Thatswhycouplesstartarguingaboutasetofshelvesandbytheendofthefighttheyretalkingabouteachothersparentsandthemselvesandtheirkids。