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　　标题：WhatItReallyMeanstoLoveYourself：3AspectsofaDeeperSelfCare
　　source：psychcentralbyJohnAmodeo，PhD
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　　Weoftenhearthatit’simportanttoloveyourself。Soundsgood，right？Butwhatdoesitactuallymeantoloveandcareforyourself？
　　Forsomepeople，selflovemightmeantakingawarmbathorpamperingthemselveswithamassageormanicure，whichmighthelpus。Yet，theelusiveselflovethatweseekrequiressomethingdeeper。
　　Selflovemeansfindingpeacewithinourselvesrestingcomfortablywithinthedepthsofourbeing。Wemightfindtemporaryrespitebydoingsomethingtonurtureourselves。Butadeeperinnerpeacerequirescultivatingacertainwayofbeingwithourselvesawarmandnurturingattitudetowardwhatweexperienceinlife。
　　ThesuggestionsthatfollowarederivedfromFocusing，developedbyDr。EugeneGendlin。SometimescalledtheFocusingAttitude，thisissimplyawayofbeingnonjudgmentallykind，present，andmindfultowardwhateverwehappentobeexperiencing。
　　Gendlinhasstated，Theclient’sattitudesandresponsestothefeltsenseneedtobethoseofaclientcenteredtherapist。Inotherwords，weneedtohaveempathyandunconditionalpositiveregardforwhateverweareexperiencinginside。
　　BeingGentlewithOurselves
　　It’softeneasiertobekindandgentletowardothersthantowardourselves。Judgmentalvoicesfromthepastmayhaveleftahiddenresidueoftoxicshame，whichblocksusfromhonoringorevennoticingwhatwe’rereallyfeeling。
　　Beinggentlewithourselvesmeansbeingkindandfriendlytowardthefeelingsthatarisewithinus。Itisveryhumantofeelsad，hurt，andafraidsometimes。It’sasignofstrength，notweakness，tobecomemindfulofthesefeelingsandallowafriendlyspaceforthem。
　　Whenchallengingfeelingscomeupforclients，Ioftenask，Isitokaytobewiththatfeelingrightnow？Canyoubewithitinagentle，caringway？Imighthelpthemfindsomedistancefrompainfulfeelingssothattheyarenotsooverwhelmedbythem。
　　Anattitudeofgentlenesstowardfeelingsisonewaytofindsomedistancefromthem。Wecanbewithouremotionsratherthanmergewiththemorbeoverwhelmedbythem。
　　PsychotherapistLauryRappaportofferssomegentleinquiriesintoourfeelingsinherbook，FocusingOrientedArtTherapy：
　　Canyoubefriendlywiththat（feltsense）
　　Canyousayhellotothat（feltsense）inside？
　　ImaginesittingdownnexttoitCanyoukeepitcompanymuchthewayyouwouldkeepavulnerablechildcompany？
　　Thisgentlewayofbeingwithourselvesisanantidotetoshame。Ratherthanbattlingourselvesortryingtofixorchangeourselves。wefindmoreinnerpeacebysimplybeingwithourexperienceasitunfolds。
　　AllowingOurExperiencetoBeasitIs
　　WhenIinviteclientstonoticetheirfeelings，theysometimesreply，WhywouldIwanttofeelthat？Iexplainthatwhenwepushfeelingsaway，theyoftencomeroaringback。Ortheygetactedoutinwaysthataredestructivetoourselvesorothers，suchasbydrinkingalcoholorthroughotherwaysofnumbingoutortransferringourpaintoothers（suchasbyragingorblaming）。
　　Lovingourselvesmeansallowingourselvestoexperienceourfeelingsjustastheyare。Oftenwepushawayunpleasantexperiencesandtrytoclingtopleasantones。ButasBuddhistpsychologysuggests，wecreatemoresufferingforourselveswhenwetrytoclingtopleasantthingsandmaintainanaversiontowardpainfulfeelings。
　　Asubtlesenseoffearandshamemaypreventusfromallowingourexperiencetohaveitslifeinsideus。Forexample，ifwefeel（orshow）sadness，hurt，oranxiety，wemightthinkwe’reweak；orperhapsweweregivenmessagesnottofeel。We’reafraidthatothersmightjudgeus。
　　EmbracingtheWisdomofNotKnowing
　　Asweexplorepersonalconcerns，wemightrecognizethatwe’renotclearwhatwe’refeeling。Ourexperienceinsideisoftenvagueandfuzzy。Ifwecanallowourselvestopauseandmakeroomforambiguityandpatientlywelcomeourblurry，vaguefeelings，theymaygraduallycomeintoclearerfocus（thusthetermFocusing）。
　　Forexample，wemightnoticeangertowardapartner，butsomethingdeepermightlurkbelow。We’reawareofthetipoftheiceberg，butinordertoseewhatliesbeneath，weneedtolookmoreclosely。
　　Oursocietyvaluesknowledgeanddecisiveness。Butoftenwe’reunclearaboutwhatwe’reexperiencing。Politicianswhodon’tmouthstrongopinionsabouteverythingoftenareseenaswishywashy。Itactuallytakesstrengthandwisdomtosay，I’mnotsureaboutthat。Letmethinkaboutit。
　　Conclusion
　　Humanfeelingsaregiftstobewelcomed。Butweneedtofindawaytobewiththemsothattheybecomeallies，notenemies。Emotionssuchasgriefallowustoreleasepainsothatwemightmoveforwardinourlives。Otherfeelingsmaybemorefuzzy，suchasaclutchinginourstomachoratightnessaroundourchest。Aswebringanattitudeofgentlenesstowardit，wemightbegintohaveasenseofhowitrelatestosomethingimportantperhapshowwe’renothonoringourselvesorhaveafearoflookingfoolish。
　　Feelingsmaycontainwisemessages，ifwecanonlydecipherwhatthey’retryingtotellus。Ifwecancultivateawarmandfriendlyattitudetowardourfeelings，they’remorelikelytobecomefriendlyalliesonourlifejourney。Newmeanings，insights，andopeningsariseandourlivesmoveforwardinamorefulfillingway。