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　　标题：AreYouMakingLoveorJustHavingSex？
　　source：psychologyaclasstaghrefwiki10807H1。htmltoaday丨byElliotD。CohenPh。D。
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　　Itisoftensaidthatmakingloveisjustaeuphemismforhavingsex。Tobesure，thesetermsarefrequentlyusedinterchangeably。Unfortunately，thiscommonuse（ormisuse）canmasktheimportantdistinctionbetweenthesetwoactivities。Indeed，manypeoplewhohavegoodsexmistakeitforloveonlytofindoutthattheirapparentloverwasnotthepersonwithwhomtheycaredtospendtheirlife。
　　Thisisnottoproclaimthemoral，orprudential，superiorityofmakinglove。Indeedsomewouldprefertojusthavesex。Sexalleviatestension，saidWoodyAllen，Lovecausesit。Still，itisimportantthatonegetswhatonebargainsfor。
　　Ofcourse，makinglove（asdistinctfrombeinginlove）necessarilyinvolveshavingsex。Buthavingsex，evengreatsex，isnotnecessarilymakinglovejustasanicecoolbeerisnotaglassofwine。Truly，somemaypreferthetasteoftheonetotheother，andabeermaybethedrinkofchoiceonagivenoccasion（say，ataKnicksgame）；butitwouldindeedbeunfortunateifoneorderedaglassofMerlotinanintimatesettingandwasservedaBudd。
　　Soareyoumakingloveorjusthavingsex？Areyougettingwhatyoureallywant？Andifnot，howcanyougetit？
　　Thefirstofthesethreequestionscanbeansweredonlyifoneknowsthedifferencebetweenhavingsexversusmakinglove。Butthis，inturn，requirespinningdownthemeaningsofeach。
　　AccordingtophilosopherAlanGoldman，sexualdesireisdesireforcontactwithanotherpersonsbodyandforthepleasurewhichsuchcontactproduces；sexualactivityisactivitywhichtendstofulfillsuchdesireoftheagent。
　　Goldmanclaimsthatsexualactivityisnotnecessarilyameanstoanyfurtherend。Forexample，procreationisnottheessentialpurposeofhavingsex；soyouarenotdoinganythingwrong（thatis，misusingyourbody）ifyouarehavingsexwithouttryingtogetpregnant。Indeed，accordingtoGoldman，thereisnoessentialpurposetosexbeyondfulfillingyourdesireforcontactwithanotherperson’sbody。
　　IthinkwecantakeGoldman’saccountofsexualactivityasaworkingdefinitionfordevelopingandcontrastingtheideaoflovemaking。Inasmuchassexisadesireforphysicalcontactwithsomeoneelse’sbody，itisamechanicalactivity。Rubbing，touching，caressing，kissing，sucking，biting，and，ofcourse，intercourse，asfulfillmentsofadesireforphysicalcontact，areallsexualactivitiesinthissense。Here，akeywordismechanicalbecausetheseactivitiesareessentiallywaysofmechanicallystimulatingorarousingoneself。Perse，theyareselfregarding。Theyseekselfgratificationfulfillmentofapurelyselfinteresteddesire。AsphilosopherImmanuelKantstated，SexuallovemakesofthelovedpersonanObjectofappetite；assoonasthatappetitehasbeenstilled，thepersoniscastasideasonecastsawayalemonwhichhasbeensuckeddry。HeretheideathatsexualloveisselfregardingisclearlyarticulatedbyKant。However，forKant，itisinthetransformationfromselfregardingtootherregardingsexualactivitythatsexpartnersbegintoseeeachotheraspersonsratherthanasmereobjectsorthings。Thushesays，undertheonecondition，thatastheonepersonisacquiredbytheotherasathing，thatsamepersonalsoequallyacquirestheotherreciprocally，andthusregainsandreestablishestherationalpersonality。
　　Suchreciprocalsexualactivityis，forKant，possibleonlyinthecontextofmonogamousmarriagewhereeachsexpartnergivestheotheracontractualrighttotheother’sbody。Inthiscase，mutualdesiresforphysicalcontactwithoneanother’sbodiesaregratifiedbyeachsexpartner。Butwhilethismutualsexualagreement（whetherinsideoroutsidethecontextofmarriage）maybeaprecursortolovemaking，thelattertakesmorethanmutualconsenttoleteachothersatisfyasexualdesire。Thisisbecausesuchmutualityisstillmechanicalandfocusedonone’sownstateofarousalasdistinctfromthatoftheotherandthereforefailstocapturetheintimatecharacteroflovemaking。SoKant’sideaofsexuallove，eveninitsmutualsense，isnottrulythatoflovemaking。
　　Sowhatelsebesidesmutualityisinvolvedinlovemaking？
　　Asdistinctfrommeresex，lovemakingdissolvesthechasmbetweenyouandme。Theresolution，however，isnotusbecausewecanstillbedivided。Instead，inlovemakingthereisthemutualconsciousnessofunboundedunitywithoutpartition。Love，sayspsychologistEricFromm，isintheexperienceofsolidaritywithourfellowcreatures。Itis，explainsAristotle，composedofasinglesoulinhabitingtwobodies。Inmakinglove，yourloinsaremine，andmineyours。Thetitillationsofmineareyoursalso，andconversely。Mypast，present，andfuture；myhopes，dreams，andexpectation；andyours，coalesceasonenottwopersons。Thereisresignationofseparatenesstoinclusionoftheother。ItisanecstaticresonancethatdefiesanybreachinOneness。
　　IttakestwotoTango，andsotoodoesittake（atleast）twotomakelove。Unreciprocatedlovemakingisunsuccessfullovemaking。Theflamesoflovemakingarequicktodiewhenonegivesoneself，bodyandsoul，onlytobeturnedaway。Wheretheotherseeksonlyabody，wantingonlysex，lovemakingissquanderedevenifitisnot（atleastatfirst）apparenttotheoneattemptingtomakelove。Itisacounterfeitifbasedonpretensebecausethereisduality，notunity，andthereismanipulationandobjectification，notauthentic，mutualrespect。
　　AsphilosopherMartinBuberwouldexpressit，theintimacyoflovemakingisatthelevelofIThouasdistinctfromIIt。Thus，youceasetobeanobjectorthingandinsteadbecomeThou。IamboundupwithyouasThouandyouwithme。Ofcourse，asBuberremindsus，theunityoftheIThouisnotpermanentandImustatsomepointbegintoseeyouasanIt。Forexample，intouchingeachother’sbody，eachdoeswhatheorsheknowsismosteroticallyfeltbytheother。Herethereisasortofdelicate，momentaryanalysisanddeliberatetargetingofabodypart。ButinstantaneouslyeachbecomesThouagainwithcominglingofnotjustbodybutsoul。Inmakinglove，thereisthusavirtuallyseamlessreciprocitybetweenIItandIThou。
　　Thereisalsopowerfulsymbolisminlovemakingasdepicted。Foreplaygraduallybuildstoclimaxasintheunfoldingofalifeoftwolivingasone。Assuch，makingloveisinspirational，foritsignifiesandembodiestwomutuallylivingasone。
　　ErichFrommmaintainsthatthereisseparatenessaswellasunityinlove；Intheactofloving，Iamonewithall，yet，Iammyself，aseparate，unique，limitedmortalhumanbeing。Here，Frommiscarefultostressthatlove（inallofitsmanifestationsandnotjustinromanticlove）isnotbondageandsubjectiontoanotherhumanbeingordenialofone’sautonomy。However，themutualityoflovemakingasdepictedhereguardsagaindomination，forthegoalisnottocontroltheotherbutinsteadtoloseoneselfintheotherastheotherinoneself。
　　Thishasimplicationsforthecognitive，perceptual，andsymbolicaspectsoflovemaking。Whenonemerelyhassex，oneperceivestheotherasanobjectofpleasure，asKantdescribes。Inmeresexualactivityonemayseektodominate，control，andevenhumiliateinordertoelicitsexualpleasure。Indeed，thereareasmanywaystocognizeandtreatone’ssexpartnerastherearewaysthehumananimalcansatisfyasexualdesire。But，lovemakingisunifyingwhereasthesecognitionsarerelationalandassumelogicallydistinctbeings。Forexample，masochisticsexthinkingofoneselfaslowlyandservilerelegatesoneselftosomethinglessthanandthereforedistinctfromone’ssexpartner。
　　Incontrast，thelanguageoflovemakinginvolvesthoughts（andperceptions）thatuniteratherthanseparate，divide，oralienate。Twoheartsbeatingasoneexpressesaunifyingmetaphor，althoughitisnotverysensual；whileIwanttofeelyouallovercanbeveryeroticbutstillobjectifying。Iwanttogetlostinsideofyoucanbebotheroticandunifying。Unifyingthoughtscanbedeeplypersonalandcanreplayinthemind’seyemomentsofintimacyandsolidarity。Theycanreflecttenderness；anadoring（oradorable）look；ortheinstantwhenyouknewyouwantedtobetogetherforaneternity。Theycanbeineffableandunspoken；simplyexpressed；orsetintopoeticverse。Onehalfofmeisyours，speaksShakespeare’sPortia（inhisMerchantofVenice），andtheotherhalfmyownhalf，I’dcallitbelongstoyoutoo。Ifit’smine，thenit’syours，andsoI’mallyours。Initsdiversenuancedforms，fromShakespearetotheaverageJoe，thelanguageoflovemakingsymbolizes，andinvites，thecoalescenceoftwointoone。Incontrast，comparethedisunifying，objectifyingnatureofthefourletterlanguageofjusthavingsex。
　　AdaptingametaphorgleanedfromtheneoPlatonistphilosopherPlotinus，theunityexperiencedinlovemakingmaybecomparedtoanaxiomaticsystem。Eachaxiomisessentialtothesystemandcannotbeunderstoodapartfromit；butthesystemitselfisoverandaboveanddistinctfromanyofitsaxioms。Similarly，theunityoflovemakingisnotpossiblewithoutthetwolovers，butitisoverandaboveanddistinctfromthem。So，inthissense，thereisstilldistinctnessinunity。ButitistheOnenessoflovemakingthatitselfadmitsofnodivision。
　　Accordingly，itisessentiallythisunifyingaspectoftheactivityoflovemakingthatlargelydistinguishesitfrommeresex。Andhereisacentralhowoflovemakingthatfollowsfromit：Surrenderyourselftotheother；sensuallycoalesce；andtrustthattheotherreciprocates。For，likereligiousexperience，lovemakinghasanelementoffaith。Ifyouattempttohavesexwithoutsuchfaith，thenyouwillonlyhavesex。
　　Transcendtheselfinteresteddesireforsexualsatisfactionsothatyoursexualpartner’sselfbecomesyours，andconversely，makingthegoalofotherregardingsexmoot。
　　So，doyouhavetobeinloveinordertomakelove？TogetahandleonananswertothisquestionyoumightconsiderwhatIhavehadtosayinmyblogonHowgoodareyouatmakinglove？Inanyevent，myconsideredjudgmentisthatitcanhelptobeinlove。Butthisdoesn’tmeanthatonemustbeinlove。ForIsuspectthatmanypeoplemakelovewellbefore（ifever）theyareactuallyinlove。
　　Givenitspowerfulsymbolism，buildingalovingsexualrelationship，asheredescribed，mayevenpavethewaytoamorelovingrelationshipbeyondthebedroom。Tryitout。Thetasteofwineiswhatyoumaycrave。Butsometimesonemayalsowantatall，coldone。Soitdoesn’tmeanyoucan’t，whenthemoodisright，justhavesex。