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　　标题：6SignsofNarcissismYouMayNotKnowAboutHowcanyourecognizethefragilitybehindthenarcissist’sgrandiosity？
　　source：psychologytoday丨byLeonFSeltzer
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　　Therecentlypublished5theditionoftheDiagnosticandStatisticalManualofMentalDisorders（DSM）listspreciselythesameninecriteriafornarcissisticpersonalitydisorder（NPD）asdidthepreviousversion，published19yearsearlier。Sotheselongstandingdiagnosticyardsticksarebynowquitefamiliarnotonlytoprofessionalsbuttointerestedlaypeopleaswell。Becauseonlytheextreme，orclassic，narcissistfitsallofthesecriteria，DSMspecifiesthatanindividualneedmeetonlyfiveofthem（barelymorethanhalf）towarrantthisunflatteringlabel。
　　Asastartingpoint，I’llreiteratetheseselectedcriteriabefore，thatis，addingsiximportantonesofmyown，whicheithercomplementorextendtheseofficialyardsticks。Myparticularmeasuresforidentifyingpathologicalnarcissistsarebasednotonlyonmyexposuretothevoluminouswritingsonthischaracterdisorder，butalsoon30yearsofclinicalexperience。Thisexperienceincludesdoingpersonal，couples，andfamilycounselingwithsuchtroublesomeindividuals。Butitalsoinvolvesworkingindependentlywiththoseinvolvedwithnarcissistswhethertheirdistressedchildren，spouses，parents，friends，orbusinessassociateswhorepeatedlyexpressenormousfrustrationintryingtocopewiththem。
　　Tobegin，however，hereareDSM’srequirements（linkisexternal）（slightlycondensed，andwithminorbracketedamendments）forearningtheunenviablediagnosisofNarcissisticPersonalityDisorder：
　　1。Hasagrandiosesenseofselfimportance。
　　2。Ispreoccupiedwithfantasiesofunlimitedsuccess，power，brilliance，beauty，orideallove。
　　3。Believesthatheorsheisspecialanduniqueandcanonlybeunderstoodby，orshouldassociatewith，otherspecialorhighstatuspeople（orinstitutions）。
　　4。Requiresexcessiveadmiration〔regularlyfishesforcompliments，andishighlysusceptibletoflattery〕。
　　5。Hasasenseofentitlement。
　　6。Isinterpersonallyexploitative。
　　7。Lacksempathy：isunwilling〔or，Iwouldadd，unable〕torecognizeoridentifywiththefeelingsandneedsofothers。
　　8。Isoftenenviousofothersorbelievesthatothersareenviousofhimorher。
　　9。Showsarrogant，haughty〔rudeandabusive〕behaviorsorattitudes。
　　Sowhat’sleftouthere？Actually，asregardsidentifyingdescriptors，quiteabit。AndI’venodoubtthatothertherapistscouldaddfurthertothesixadditionalcharacteristicsI’llprovideherefeaturesthat，althoughregrettablyminimizedoromittedfromDSM，I‘veroutinelyseendisplayedbythemanydysfunctionalnarcissistsI’veworkedwith。So，toenumeratethem，suchindividuals：
　　1。Arehighlyreactivetocriticism。Oranythingtheyassumeorinterpretasnegativelyevaluatingtheirpersonalityorperformance。Thisiswhyifthey’reaskedaquestionthatmightobligethemtoadmitsomevulnerability，deficiency，orculpability，they’reapttofalsifytheevidence（i。e。，lieyetwithoutreallyacknowledgingsuchprevaricationtothemselves），hastilychangethesubject，orrespondasthoughthey’dbeenaskedsomethingentirelydifferent。EarlierforPsychologyTodayIwroteaposthighlightingthissuperchargedsensitivitycalledTheNarcissist’sDilemma：TheyCanDishItOut，But。。。。Andthisaspectoftheirdisturbanceunderscoresthattheiregooversized，orratherartificiallyinflatedcanhardlybeviewedasstrongorresilient。Onthecontrary，it’sveryeasilypunctured。（Andnotehereanotherrelatedpieceofmine，OurEgos：DoTheyNeedStrengtheningorShrinking？）。Whatthesecharacteristicssuggestisthat，atbottomanddespitealltheiregotisticgrandiosity，they。。。
　　2。。。。Havelowselfesteem。Thisfacetoftheirpsycheiscomplicated，becausesuperficiallytheirselfregardwouldappeartobehigherandmoreassuredthanjustaboutanyoneelse’s。Additionally，giventheircustomarydrivenness，it’snotuncommonforthemtorisetopositionsofpowerandinfluence，aswellasamassafortune（andseeheremypostNarcissism：WhyIt’sSoRampantinPolitics）。Butifweexaminewhat’sbeneaththesurfaceofsuchelevatedsocial，political，oreconomicstatureortheiraccomplishmentsgenerallywhattypicallycanbeinferredisadegreeofinsecurityvastlybeyondanythingtheymightbewillingtoavow。
　　Thatis，invariouswaysthey’reconstantlydriventoprovethemselves，bothtoothersandtotheirnotsoconfidentinnerchildself。Thisistheselfdoubting，recessivepartoftheirbeingthat，thoughwellhiddenfromsight，isnonethelessafflictedwithfeelingsandfearsofinferiority。Inasmuchastheirelaboratedefensesystemeffectivelywardsofftheirhavingtofacewhattheirbravadomasks，they’rehighlyskilledatexhibiting，orposturing，exceptionallyhighselfesteem。Buttheirdeeperinsecuritiesareyetdiscernibleintheirsooftenfishingforcomplimentsandtheirpenchantforbraggingandboastingabouttheir（frequentlyexaggerated）achievements。Thatis，they’reexpertsatcomplimentingthemselves！Andwhendespitealltheirselfaggrandizementothersarecriticalofthem，they。。。
　　3。。。。Canbeinordinatelyselfrighteousanddefensive。Needingsomuchtoprotecttheiroverblownbutfragileego，theirevervigilantdefensesystemcanbeextraordinarilyeasytosetoff。I’vealreadymentionedhowreactivetheytypicallyaretocriticism，butinfactanythingsaidordonethattheyperceiveasquestioningtheircompetencecanactivatetheirrobustselfprotectivemechanisms。WhichiswhysomanynonnarcissistsI’veworkedwithhavesharedhowdifficultitistogetthroughtotheminsituationsofconflict。Forinchallengingcircumstancesit’salmostasthoughtheirverysurvivaldependsonbeingrightorjustified，whereasflatout（orhumbly）admittingamistakeor，forthatmatter，utteringthewordsI’msorryforsometransgressionseemdifficulttoimpossibleforthem。
　　Further，theirmywayorthehighwayattitudeindecisionmakingtheirstubborn。competitiveinsistencethattheirpointofviewprevailbetrays（evenasitendeavorstoconceal）theirunderlyingdoubtsaboutnotbeinggood，strong，orsmartenough。Andthemoretheirpretentious，privileged，exaggeratedlypuffedupselfimagefeelsendangeredbyanother’sposition，themorelikelytheyareto。。。
　　4。。。。Reacttocontraryviewpointswithangerorrage。Infact，thischaracteristicissocommoninnarcissiststhatit’salwayssurprisedmethatDSMdoesn’tspecificallyrefertoitamongitsninecriteria。Repeatedly，writershavenotedthatangryoutburstsarealmostintrinsictobothnarcissisticandborderlinepersonalitydisorders。Andalthough（unliketheborderline）it’snotparticularfearsofabandonmentthatbringouttheirsocallednarcissisticrage，bothpersonalitydisordersgenerallyreactwithheatedemotionwhenothersbringtheirdeepestinsecuritiestooclosetothesurface。
　　Thereasonthatfeelingsofangerandragearesotypicallyexpressedbythemisthatinthemomenttheyexternalizethefarmorepainfulanxietyorshamerelatedemotionshidingjustbeneaththem。Whenthey’reonthevergeoffeelingorrefeelingsomehurtorhumiliationfromtheirpast，theirconsequentrageconvenientlytransferstheseunwantedfeelingstoanother（andseeheremyPTpostAngerHowWeTransferFeelingsofGuilt，Hurt，andFear）。
　　TheaccompanyingmessagethatgetscommunicatedthroughsuchantagonisticemotionsisI’mnotbad（wrong，stupid，mean，etc。），youare！Or，itcouldevenbe：I’mnotnarcissistic，orborderline！Youare！（Or，inslightlymilderversion，IfI’mnarcissistic，orborderline，thensoareyou！）Andifthementallyhealthierindividualhasnoclueastowhatprovokedtheiroutburstinthefirstplace，suchasuddenexplosionislikelytomakethemfeelnotonlybaffledbuthurt，andmaybeevenfrightened。Butwhatcannotbeoveremphasizedhereisthatnarcissists。。。
　　5。。。。Projectontoothersqualities，traits，andbehaviorstheycan’torwon’tacceptinthemselves。Becausethey’recompelledfromdeepwithintoconcealdeficitsorweaknessesintheirselfimage，theyhabituallyredirectanyunfavorableappraisalofthemselvesoutwards，unconsciouslytrustingthatdoingsowillforeverkeepatbaytheirdeepestsuspicionsaboutthemselves。Gettinganywhereclosetobeingobligedtoconfrontthedarknessattheirinnermostcorecanbeveryscary，forinrealitytheiremotionalresourcesarewoefullyunderdeveloped。
　　Broadlyrecognizedasnarcissistsbytheirfundamentallackofselfinsight，veryfewofthem（depending，ofcourse，onhowfarouttheyareonthenarcissisticcontinuum）canachievesuchinteriorknowledge。Forinavarietyofwaystheirrigid，unyieldingdefensescanbeseenasmoreorlessdefiningtheirwholepersonality。Andthat’swhyoneofthemostreliablewaysforthemtofeelgoodaboutthemselvesandsafeintheworldthey’reessentiallysoalienatedfromistoinvalidate，devalue，ordenigrateothers。Sothey’llfocusonothers’flaws（whetherornottheyreallyexist）ratherthanacknowledge，andcometotermswith，theirown。Andinmanycuriouswaysthishabitcausesthemto。。。
　　6。。。。Havepoorinterpersonalboundaries。It’sbeensaidaboutnarcissiststhattheycan’ttellwheretheyendandtheotherpersonbegins。Unconsciouslyviewingothersasextensionsofthemselves，theyregardthemasexistingprimarilytoservetheirownneedsjustastheyroutinelyputtheirneedsbeforeeveryoneelse’s（frequently，eventheirownchildren）。Sinceothersareregarded（ifthey’reregardedatall！）aswhatintheliteratureisoftencallednarcissisticsuppliesthatis，existingchieflytocatertotheirpersonaldesirestheygenerallydon’tthinkaboutothersindependentlyofhowtheymightusethemtotheirownadvantage。Whatevernarcissistsseektogivethemselves，theygenerallyexpecttogetfromothers，too（whichisyetanotherdimensionoftheirfamousorinfamoussenseofentitlement）。
　　Evenbeyondthis，theirporousboundariesandunevenlydevelopedinterpersonalskillsmaypromptthemtoinappropriatelydominateconversationsandsharewithothersintimatedetailsabouttheirlife（thoughsomenarcissists，itshouldbenoted，candisplayanextraordinary，howeverMachiavellian，socialsavvy）。Suchprivateinformationwouldprobablyfocusondisclosingfactsotherswouldbeapttowithhold。Buthaving（atleastconsciously）muchlessofasenseofshame，they’relikelytosharethingsthey’vesaidordonethatmostofuswouldbetooembarrassedorhumiliatedtoadmit。Still，withanattimesgrossinsensitivitytohowothersmightreacttotheirwords，they’relikelytoblurtoutthings，orevenboastaboutthem，thatotherscan’thelpbutviewastasteless，demeaning，insulting，orotherwiseoffensive。
　　Theymight，forinstance，shareandwithconsiderablepride！howtheychewedsomeoneout，andexpecttheotherpersontobeimpressedbytheircourageorcleverness，wheninfactthelistenermaybeappalledbytheirlackofkindness，tact，orrestraint。Additionally，theymayaskothersquestionsthatarefartoopersonalorintimateagainunwittinglyirritatingorupsettingthem。Andsuchasituationcanbeparticularlydifficultfortheotherpersonifthenarcissistisinapositionofauthorityoverthemsothatnotrespondingcould，practically，puttheminsomejeopardy。
　　Toconclude，Icanonlyhopethattheseadditionalcharacterizationsofthepathologicalnarcissist（vs。thosewithlesspronouncednarcissisticqualities）maybehelpfulinenablingyoutoidentifythembeforetheirmalignancydoesanumberonyou。Andifyou’vealreadybeendupedbytheirmachinationsormanipulations，perhapsthispiecewillbeaheadsupforyoutopreventthemfromwreakinganyfurtherhavocinyourlife。