雅思作文批改分结尾段的语句不够精炼

　　【雅思作文批改】6。5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼
　　01：hr危险的运动应该被取消，这样的话题出现的还是比较普遍的，相对来说也比较好写，但也因为范围太广不好找切入点，这位同学写得还不错，看看他是怎样展开思路的？
　　作文题目：
　　Somepeoplethinkthatdangeroussportsshouldbebanned，butothersthinkthepeopleshouldhavefreedomtochoosesportsactivities。Discussbothviewsandgiveyouropinion。
　　作文内容：
　　Extremesportsarebecomingincreasinglypopularduetothefactthatindividualsnowadaysareawashwithrepeateddailyworkandwanttofindsomethingexcitingtodo。Althoughagroupofpeoplebelievethatthedangeroussportsshouldbebanned，Ifirmlyholdtheopinionthatpeoplehavetheirrightsandfreedomtochoosesportsactivities。
　　Thereisnodoubtthatextremesportsmaybelifethreatening。Evenifthesecurityfacilitieshavebeenimprovedsignificantlycomparedtothepast，accidentsdoexist。Forinstance，everyyeartherearesomepeoplegettinginjuredorevenlosingtheirlivesinbungeejumpingasaresultoftheloosecordsorjumpingfromainappropriateplace。Fromthisperspective，itseemsthatinordertoprotecthumanbeingsfromdanger，dangeroussportsshouldberestricted。
　　However，doingdangeroussportsisaneffectivewaytoalleviatestressandmakepeoplecherishtheirlives。Nowadays，owingtothefastflowofinformation，individualsliveafastpacedlife。Whentheyfinishcertainworks，nowonesquicklyflocktothemwhichcouldbreedhighpressure。Inthiscircumstance，extremesportssuchasskydivingcanhelpthemgetridofthetroublesomework〔A1〕astheyneedtototallyfocusonthedangeroussports，whichmeans，theyhavelittletimetothinkabouttheirwork。Moreover，peoplemaycherishtheirlivesmoreviaexperiencingthefrighteningfeelingsofdeath。
　　Toconclude，althoughextremesportslikebungeejumpingandskydivingmaybelifethreatening，theprobabilityisquitesmall。Also，thedangerousactivitiesarebeneficialbecausetheycouldalleviatestressandmakepeoplecherishtheirlives。〔A2〕Therefore，theyshouldbecontinuedandtheauthoritieshavethedutytomakethesecurityfacilitiesmorereliable。
　　〔A1〕摆脱的不是工作，而是工作带来的压力，这里需要修改；
　　〔A2〕和上面的重复过多，缓解压力变相表达就是心情变得更加愉悦，可以从这个角度来改变表达方式，后者及意识的生命的宝贵，不可直接把上面的句子拿下来
　　各项细评：
　　针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：
　　结尾段的语句不够精炼，这点给整篇文章拉分。希望今后不要出现结尾段直接和上面表达雷同的情况，并且表达方式可以更加灵活
　　附批改原图：
　　雅思热文