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　　source：psychologytodaybySusanKraussWhitbournePh。D。
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　　Mosttheoriesofrelationshipsfocusonhowintimatepartnersfeelabouteachother，butaccordingtoJohnGottman’sbehavioralapproach（linkisexternal），youneedtofocusonoutwardsignstotestthehealthofyours。Thisapproachfollowsfromtheassumptionthatobservableactionsprovide，inmanycases，harderevidenceaboutwhat’sgoingoninsideapersonthantheinferenceswemakefromwhatheorshesays。
　　I’vetakenthelibertyoftranslatingGottman’stheory，alongwithinformationfromothersupportingpsychologicalresearch，into11cluesyoucanuseinyourowndailylifetogaugethedepthofyourloversfeelings：
　　Wantstospendtimewithyou。Wantingtoinvesttimeintoyourrelationshipisakeyindicatorofsuccessfullongtermintimacy，accordingtoonerecenttheory。Althoughbothofyoumaybetiedupwithwork，family，andothercommitments，someonewhotrulycaresaboutyouwillusewhatevertimeisleftovertohavesomealonetimetogether。
　　Asksaboutyourday。Duringthattimeyouspendtogether，doesyourpartneraskabout，andshowinterestin，thehighandlowpointsofyourworkday？Couplesbuildtheirloveforeachothernotnecessarilyontheethereal，butonthepracticalsupportsthatkeepcommunicationroutesopen。
　　Trustsyou。Partnerswhotrulycareaboutyouwillgiveyouthebenefitofthedoubt。Researchshowsthatinsuccessfullongtermrelationships，partnerswanttohaveasenseofknowingwheretheirmatesareatanygiventime。However，theydonthavethiswishbecauseofworrythattheirpartnersmightbeuptosomethingnefarious。Apartnerwhodoesn’tquestionwhereyouareifyoucomehomelateordoesn’tsnoopthroughyourcellphonebillsisshowingthekindoftrustthatshowstruecaring。
　　Helpsyouwhenyouneedit。Asbusyasweallget，addingextrachoresordutiestoyourdaymaybethelastthingyoufeellikedoing。However，ifyourpartnerisatechnophobe，andyou’retechnosavvy，you’llhelpoutwhensomethinggoeswrongwithyourhomeWiFinetwork。Similarly，ifyouabsolutelyneedsomethingfromthedrugstoreandaretoosicktogothereyourself，apartnerwhocaresaboutyouwillrunarescuemissionandgetyouthatcoldmedicine。
　　Showsrespectforyourviews。Ifrecentresearchoncomplementarityinrelationshipsistrue，it’spossibleforyouandyourpartnertobeoncompletelyoppositepolesofthepoliticalspectrumandstillremainhappytogetherforyears。Thekeyfeatureisnotwhatyourbeliefsare，though，buthowopenyoucanbetoacceptingyourpartner’sperspectiveasvalid。Let’ssayyou’reanardentfeministandyourpartnerholdspre1970sviewsaboutwomen。Ifhetrulycaresaboutyou，he’llatleastlistentoyouwhenyouexpressconcernaboutwomen’sstatusintheworkplace。
　　Includesyouindecisions。Couplesdecideoneverythingfrommundanechorestohighstakesquestionsofwhere（andhow）toinvesttheirincome。It’sfineandprobablyadvisableforeachpersontospecializeinsometasksneededtokeepthehouseholdgoing，butatsomepointyouneedtofeelthatyourviewswillstillbesought（andheard）。
　　Showsaffection。Couplesdon’thavetoengageinfrequentsex，orevenanysexatall，tobeemotionallyintimate。However，showingsomesignofphysicalcloseness，evenifit’srestingahandonyourshoulder，suggeststhatyourpartnerfeelsavitalconnectiontoyou。
　　Looksatyou。Thenonverbalcuesthatpartnerssharewitheachotherrevealtheirdeeperfeelings。Ifyourpartnerlooksatyouwhileyou’retalking，orifyoucatchhimorherdartingaglanceyourway，thissuggeststhatheorshetakespleasureinbeingwithyou。Thetwoofyoudon’tneedtospendhoursgazingintoeachother’seyes；evenaquickglancecanbeenoughtosendpositive，loveconfirming，vibes。
　　Likestotalkaboutthepast。Coupleswhospendtimerelivingtheirenjoyablemomentsfromthepast，anddosoinapositiveandsupportiveway，canstrengthentheirtiesinthepresentandfuture。IfyourpartnerusesphrasessuchasRememberthetimewe？andthenproceedstotellagreatstoryfromyourpast（whichyoumightnotevenrecall），itsuggeststhatyouandyoursharedexperiencesplayanimportantroleinyourpartner’smind。
　　Iswillingtogotobatforyouandyourrelationship。Doesyourpartnerdefendyouwhensomeoneelsecriticizesyouordoesheorshejoininthefray？Wecertainlyknowfromgreatliteraturethatpeoplewhotrulycareabouteachotherwillrisktheirownwellbeingfortheotherswelfare。Partnersinmoreordinaryrelationshipscanstillshowtheirloveforeachotherbybondingtogetheragainstoutsideattacks。Inastudyoflesbian，gay，andbisexualindividualsincloserelationships，SanFranciscoStatesexualityresearcherDavidFrostfoundthatmanywhofeltstigmatizedbecauseoftheirrelationshipsdrewstrengthfromeachotherandfeltthattheybondedmorecloselyinthefaceofadversity。
　　Makesyoufeelgoodaboutyourself。Apartnerwhotrulycaresaboutyouboostsyourselfesteemandsenseofidentity。Ifnothingelse，beingwithsomeonewhomakesyoufeelvaluedprovidesyouwithstrongpositivereinforcement。Wewanttobewithpeoplewhomakeusfeelgood。Thisdoesn’tmeanthatyou’llalwayshavewonderfuldaysandnightsinwhichyouneverquibbleorbecomefrustratedandannoyedwitheachother。However，overall，ifyoufeelthatyourpartnerboostsyourselfconfidence，you’llnotonlybemorelikelytowanttospendtimetogether，butyoullalsoregardyourselfmorepositivelyinthetimesthatyou’reapart。
　　Theresnosetnumberofthese11thatwouldindicatewhetheraspecificpartnerhitsaboveorbelowthethresholdfortrulylovingyou。However，withthesesignsasaguide，youcangaininsightintoyourrelationshipsstrengthsandweaknessesandfromthere，addresstheareasofweakness。Atthesametime，ifyouwantyourpartnertofeeltrulyloved，askyourselfhonestlyhowyouwouldrateonthese11indicators。Perhapsitstimeforyounotonlytocountthewaysthatyoureloved，butthewaysthatyoushowyourlove。