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　　标题：3CommonFearsthatMayBeAffectingYourRelationships
　　source：psychologytodaybyTinaGilbertsonLPC
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　　Awomanwhowasassaultedrefusestogoanywherealone。
　　Backathome，acombatveteranbecomesaonemanneighborhoodwatch。
　　Achildwhosurvivesacaraccidentbecomesateenwhowontlearntodrive。
　　Fearandanxietyarecommonandunderstandablereactionstotrauma。Theimplicitmemoryofwhathappenedlingersasaconstantthreat。Itfeelsasthoughthatsameawfuleventliesinwaitaroundeverycorner。
　　Butevenpeoplewhodon’tsufferfromtraumahaveeverydayfearsthatshowupintheformoftension，anxietyandrelationshipproblems。
　　Theseordinaryfears，too，arenotjustaboutwhatmighthappen，butwhat’salreadyhappenedinthepast。Wetendtowanttoclosethatbarndoorafterthehorsehasbolted。
　　Asanexample，asignificantportionoffirsttimebuyersofhomesecuritysystemsarerecentvictimsofcrime。They’retryingtodefendthemselvesagainstsomethingthatsalreadyhappened。
　　Ofcoursethere’snothingwrongwithbeingsecurityconscious。Butwhathappenswhenweoverreactandgeneralizeineveryareaofourlives？
　　Relationshipsareoftenthefirstcasualtyofthefollowingkindsoffears。
　　FearofAbandonment
　　Doyoupushpeopleawaywhentheystarttogetclose？Doyouworrythatthey’llleaveyou？
　　Nobodywantstobeabandonedbyimportantothers，butsomepeopleassumeeveryrelationshipwillendthatway。
　　Ifyouhaveconcernsaboutlosingpeoplewhomattertoyou，youweren’tbornwiththatworry。Somewhereinyourhistory，youexperiencedabandonmentfirsthand。
　　Maybeyouwereliterallyleftbythesideoftheroad。
　　Ormaybethepersonorpeoplewhoabandonedyouweretherephysically，justnotemotionally。Emotionalneglectisthekindofabandonmentthatcan’tbeseenfromtheoutside。
　　It’shardtomakesenseofit，especiallywhenyou’reyoung。
　　Whatdoesn’tmakesenseoftengetsburiedinthedarkcornersofourminds，whereitcanplayhavocwithourthoughtsandbehaviorlater。
　　FearofRejection
　　Doestheideaofaskingsomeoneoutgiveyouheartpalpitations？Doyoutendtorejectothersbeforetheycanrejectyou？
　　Rejectioncanbepainful，butit’sfarmorepainfulforsomethanothers。
　　Peoplewhohavefeltunlovable，unwanted，aburden，orsimplyinvisibletoimportantothersarepronetofeelingpiercedbyrejection。
　　Itslikeanarrowthathitsthebullseyeandlightsupthepsychewithshameafamiliarbutintenselyunpleasantfeeling。
　　Luckypeoplewhofeelessentiallylovablemaynotlikerejection，buttheyrecoverfromitcomparativelyquickly，withtheirselfesteemintact。Theygenerallyfeelokayaboutputtingthemselvesoutthere。
　　Ontheotherhand，ifyouwererejectedearlyandoroften，avoidingsituationswhereyoumightberejectedislikelyaguidingprincipleinyourlife，whetherconsciousornot。
　　FearofHumiliation
　　Isthereanyonealivewhohasn’tfelthumiliated？EventheQueenofEngland，blessherregalheart，musthavewantedthegroundtoopenupandswallowherattimes。（Maybewhensheusedthewrongfork？）
　　Wehumansarehighlysocial，andsocialinteractionsalwayscarrywiththemthepossibilityofhumiliationandshame。
　　Itdoesn’ttakemanyrepetitionstolearnourlesson；wetrytoavoidthepainofhumiliationwheneverpossible。
　　Thoughweallexperienceourfairshareofit，anexcessofhumiliation（especiallyearlyinlife）canaffectourchoicesandbehavior。
　　Forinstance，mostpeoplewouldhesitatetoletTVcamerasintotheirpersonallives。Thesituationisjusttoorisky，brimmingwiththepotentialforembarrassment。
　　Butforpeoplewhoveexperiencedmorethantheirshareofhumiliation，lettinganyonegettoknowthem，camerasorno，feelsdanagerous。Theyholdback，playingitsmallerthantheywouldiftheyhadmoreconfidence。
　　BreakingFreeofPastHurts
　　Whenitcomestorelationships，whatwefearmostisthestuffthatsalreadyhappenedtous。
　　Ifwewereabandoned，wefearabandonment。
　　Ifwewererejected，wefearrejection。
　　Ifwewerehumiliated，wefearbeinghumiliatedfurther。
　　Thisknowledgecanbefreeing。Maybetheabandonmentyoufearinyourrelationshiphasalreadyhappened。Yousurvivedit，butwhatyouwentthroughneedstobeacknowledgedandgrievedbeforeyoucanmoveon。
　　Maybetherejectionyouknewasayoungerpersonwasreal，butyoudidn’tdeserveitthenandyoudon’tdeserveitnow。Therearenewpeopleinyourlife。Whynotgivethem，andyourself，achance？
　　Couldthatpasthumiliationthatstillhauntsyouhavebeentheresultofsomeoneelse’sbehavior，ratherthanyourinherentinadequacy？Wasitsomethingthatcouldhavehappenedtoanyone？Takeyourselfoffthehookandletgoofselfrecrimination。
　　Wheneveryou’reanxiousaboutarelationshipoutcome，askyourselfifthethingyou’reworriedabouthasalreadyhappenedinyourlife，perhapsinanothertimeandplace。
　　Iftheanswerisyes，addresstheemotionsfromthatearliereventwithsomegoodnewfangledconstructivewallowing（linkisexternal）。